*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*