Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.