Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Why font matters.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.