Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

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I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

:/

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

*Inspirational Tweets*

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

the battle rages on

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?