Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Oddly specific