Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Worst Native American name ever.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not