Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Dear Lord..

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor