Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait