Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*