Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Sign at work today

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy