Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

accurate

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun