Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

😭🤣

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*