Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
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My husband’s safe word is ‘CRAMP!’
*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward
WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
So what do you think?
* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh