SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.