Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die