SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Someone just threatened to call me later
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
