SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
That’s not how days work.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins