My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
– Gross no
– No. Anything is fine tho.
– Ew carbs
I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?
The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
*2 year old runs by screaming*
*72 ducks chasing her*
“YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD.”
She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m ordering a megaphone so I can talk shit from a safe distance
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.