@TheToddWilliams

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

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@team_daddy

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

@Sickayduh

[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
“Fish?”
– Gross no
“Steak?”
– No. Anything is fine tho.
“Pasta?”
– Ew carbs

@BooFricketyHoo

I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

@Brianhopecomedy

*2 year old runs by screaming*

*72 ducks chasing her*

“YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD.”

@PaulyPeligroso

She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

@pilau

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.