Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.