Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no