Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous