Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy