Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.