Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*