Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

I was up all night reading about insomnia

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

my sentiments exactly

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?