Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?