Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.