Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.