“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
You Might Also Like
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
There is wisdom there.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
i smell a pulitzer
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven