Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them