Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Important reminders
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you