Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
goldfish mafia
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.