Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?