Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

That took me a moment.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy