Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

FRED: right

🤣🤣

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

The median voter

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I don’t hate children, just yours.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

wish me luck lads

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary