Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”