Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Guantanamo Bae
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”