Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

I’d hang this in my house.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️