Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
You Might Also Like
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.