Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Hero horse inspires millions

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Always the camel, never the toe.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Thursday

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”