[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.