[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I never needed anything more in my life
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
me irl
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!