Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Mistakes were made

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.