Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative