Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.