Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.