Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey