Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣