science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.