science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband