Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
We like the way Dwight thinks
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.