Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.