Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
😭😭
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old