Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Best spoiler warning ever
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok