Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.