Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
You Might Also Like
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
my sentiments exactly
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.