Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Friday File.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Jurassic park gets weird

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

(grounding my kid) go outside.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle