Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
