Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
When your man makes a valid point
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”