Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁