Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Breakfast in bed.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now