Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.