Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

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[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]


Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit


Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


There is a 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding a piece of cheese.


Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men