My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
i really liked this one
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’