@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

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@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@ilovepie84

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@squirrel74wkgn

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@yonewt

Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones

@Diversion50

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

@robdelaney

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed