SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

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6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM


ME:KIDDING it only eats kids


Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”


Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.


[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”


Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.


I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years


Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones


T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.


I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.


moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed