@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@Miles_Mannered

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

@IvoryGazelle

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”