Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
friendship on fleek
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”