Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

*Inspirational Tweets*

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly