[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Lmbo
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?