@mortimermaiden

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

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@Heather2go

Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea

@_wendyb07

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@aveuaskew

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@JessObsess

If you can’t handle me at my un-shaved, you don’t deserve me at my waxed.

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.