[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

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Rules to live by:

1. Be kind to strangers
2. Don’t cheat on your taxes
3. Everything in moderation
4. Bury the body at sea


I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.


Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Me: I’m going..


But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?


Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.


If you can’t handle me at my un-shaved, you don’t deserve me at my waxed.


I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.


People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.


Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”


Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.