Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Body by sandwich.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no