[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.