Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

I used to be married, but I’m better now

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

😤😤