Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.