[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Cool shirt 🙂
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness