Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
That de-escalated quickly
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi