Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.