Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.