Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
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You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.