Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
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[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Friends that check up on you >
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.