Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…