Admin smashed it 😂
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Legend 🤣🤣
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.